Stages of Dealing with Your Psycho Ex
Ever had a break up where the pangs of despair turn you into a psychopath and make you want to hold your ex hostage in a dungeon or keep their heads in a jar? I mean, that way you will get to prevent them from leaving. I'm positive we all had fleeting moments of toying with such thoughts or fallen victim to such execution. Okay. Maybe not this extreme. Anyway, for the latter, this one's for you.
For simplification, let the former (psycho) girlfriend/ boyfriend be called X.
Now that the relationship has run its course, you are ready to follow all the post rituals religiously. You sever all ties with X and that is when you realise this person does not deal well with termination.
The Manipulation
"At least we can be friends." This is how the process usually begins. Clever words crafted together to make you believe that maybe you can be friends after all. You friend zone X only to realise that the motive is to keep tabs on you and ward off newer prospects. Here, voodoo or paani pora may also work against you so be careful to not come under the spells.
Crazy Mode On
Block X from all possible avenues before those relentless attempts to reach you begins. Be it your phone, social media, your own thoughts or even your dog's thoughts. Albeit, you will still wake up to 38 missed calls from unknown numbers every day for quite some time. Isolation is the key, or better, have X quarantined.
Also, travel in packs and carry a pepper spray for you will have this unwanted company in all social events you got to. Be it at a restaurant where X will reserve the table right across yours and smile at you like a creep or in an alley after dark when you feel that somebody is on your trail, and for once you want to be delusional but it's actually X.
Next Stop: Your Friends and Family
Now that X has realised that you will not budge from your decision, the people who might be able to change it will be approached. Everyone that you know including your mailman will be the target asking them for that one last chance. In this case, treating your closed ones with ice cream is mandatory since, they will be dealing with a delirious X in your absence.
The Defamation
After all possible tactics, X is going to opt for blame games. How you were always a miser with restaurant bills, how you never got the hint that your breath stank, or that you fantasised about Scarlett Johansson. You might also have to answer to X's hypersensitive girlfriends or worse, that boro bhai who (ahem) takes care of things.
The Defeat
Gradually, X will run out of schemes and will stop pushing the envelope, or in this case tearing it. Normalcy will prevail and X will proceed to move on to someone new showing off their partner and you will choose the jealousy over paranoia any day. If not, may the lawyers help you.
Iqra suffers from wanderlust and zones out most of the time. She hopes to see the Loch Ness monster someday and in the mean time complains about Economics. Reach out to her at [email protected] or www.facebook.com/iqra.l.qamari
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