• Saturday, January 31, 2015

How to Make Your Favourite Celebrity Respond to You

Mirza Momo Ushra

Growing up, our favourite authors, actors and musicians were our heroes. A signed poster, a T-shirt or even a picture with them -- and you became the coolest kid in school. We've all had our fair share of Twitter stalk-a-thons and Facebook wall spams with “marry me” and “biggest fan ever”. However, famous people have better things to do than wasting time on social media, unless they are the Kardashians. In which case, expect at least thirteen insta-spams a day and tweets that go, “OMG XoXo U go gurl!” Thus, in an attempt to get her favourite celebrity's attention, this writer proceeded to carry out trials and errors to provide you with possible ways of grabbing their attention.
Creating a voodoo doll: When you've spent a whole night watching your beloved author respond to question after question relating to that one book that you've cherished forever, yet you seem nonexistent in his blogosphere, you tend to lose it. So in desperate times, we must turn to desperate measures. This writer suggests a voodoo doll -- dress it nice with the right amount of straw stuffing and soap carving. Continue to chant your typical set of mantras from YouTube, and allow the rituals to begin (nice ones, of course)!
Pretend to endorse piracy: If the aforementioned method fails; which is highly likely… scratch that --  the last method is bound to fail miserably and will leave you with nothing but a shortage of soap. From personal experience, pretending to support the purchase of pirated books/ albums/ movies will surely make that favourite author/ musician/ actor (or his or her PR agent) reply to your tweets, messages and 'wall posts'. They may not necessarily like you, but acknowledgement is the first step!
Spam them with pictures of unique objects: Research shows that when you spend a considerable amount of time photographing the weirdest of things around you from various angles, with different effects -- sepia, black and white, rainbows and doves too -- there are ways to utilise the pictures. Spam that one person with endless pictures of the most bizarre captures you have! The images could be anything. Perhaps, your toes, an eggshell, your earphones getting it on in your shirt pockets, a glass of water, a shaven bunny's head -- anything strange and s/he ought to reply! Now put those fan-toes-tic pictures to good use, because we all have more than enough time to kill with the non-stop 'hoborodh' and a camera phone.
Strike up a conversation: Something that is very obvious but is forgotten too often is the art of listening. That's right, just listen to your favourite celeb. Notice what s/he tweets or posts about. Maybe a sore throat, a recently deceased pet, a new phone -- pick up a conversational line based on these clues. Rather than assuming and asking questions regarding their great uncle's daughter's best friend's cousin's son's relationship status, post to them about relevant things. Maybe you will stand out and get their attention.
This article, young grasshopper, is where your celebrity stalking, or should it be phrased 'communication skills' begin.

Disclaimer: Readers are advised to try these at their own risks. SHOUT will not be held responsible for resulting flamewars/heartbreaks/lawsuits.

Published: 12:00 am Sunday, January 12, 2014

Last modified: 9:04 pm Sunday, January 12, 2014

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