• Friday, March 06, 2015

Ask the SHOUT Troll

Dear Shout Troll,
I think I am in love with my kol-balish. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my parents about it because I am sure they would disapprove. The few friends I told this to all called me a freak and left me. I feel so alone these days.
And to cap it off, my kol-balish is oddly quiet through it all. She's very consenting and hardly ever refuses me, but she doesn't have a whole lot to say. I find this pretty one-sided.
-- The Kol-balish Whisperer

Dear Kol-balish Whisperer,
The reason many potential happy endings are thwarted is because one of the partners talks too much. So be happy that your kol-balish girlfriend is letting you have your way. I suggest you go back to your friends and tell them that it was all an elaborate joke you carried off to see how many of them were sick enough to approve of the relationship. Then continue as before.

Dear Shout Troll,
My dog left me for a bideshi dog. Pls halp.
-- James P Dogelas

Dear Dogelas,
You need to calmly sit your dog down, and explain (possibly using infographics or comic strips) that deshi dogs are far more superior. Bideshi dogs are modern day empire builders, who will take the best out of this land and give nothing back. They will respawn and fill this country with their highly-prized offspring, make the simple deshi dogs fetch things for them at an exploitative price, and send all profits to their own country. If that doesn't work, chain it to the kennel.

Dear Shout Troll,
My girlfriend and I are both big fans of animated movies. Recently, I came to find out that her favourite is Disney. My favourite is Dreamworks and I can't help but feel that this has put up an invisible wall between us. How to bridge this gap?
– Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,
Look outside your window, there are things happening in this world. Sea levels are rising, wars are waging, NSA is spying, corporations are taking over, and all you can concern your pea sized brain with is 'my girlfriend likes Disney?' Fair enough. But you won't find any assistance from the Shout Troll, because Shout Troll also prefers Disney. I suggest you don't bridge this gap, we are better off without people like you, who have no aesthetic sense at all.

Published: 12:00 am Sunday, February 09, 2014

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