That which does not scare us

Time and time again, supposedly horrifying Hollywood horror movies have failed to inspire the tiniest shiver in our body. This is not because of their content, but rather because of our culture. We, Bangladeshis, are not used to being scared of Crows or Vampires, because such concepts are way beyond us. No, we simpletons are habituated to being scared of heavy make up'd Zee Horror ghosts, politicians and tax officers, so no wonder our heart beat didn't change when we encountered the following characters:-

Freddie Krueger- 'The Nightmare on Elm Street' introduced us to Freddie. While Europeans and Americans pulled blankets over their heads, we Bangladeshis merely scoffed. Freddie was nothing compared to our killers. He only reminded us of the beggars we encounter while commuting everyday. Skin Disease is supposed to be scary? Take a walk through our block and you'll see diseases much worse than that and its no laughing matter either. Anyways, two taka for Freddie and off you go.

Crows- Alfred Hitchcock found crows scary and he tried to show the world why. Brilliant he may have been but he failed, at least for us. Crows are the least scary and most prevalent creatures in Bangladesh. We throw stones at crows for fun and there is nothing they can do about it. You know what's scary? Seeing a man in our streets finding an abandoned baby crow. Deriving sick pleasure from torturing helpless creatures is a style here. And don't even get us started on Jaws. If we knew there was a fish that big lurking, we would all be ready with our boats, nets, cooking oil and forks, now wouldn't we? Jaws was tasty, never scary. Long Live The Fish and Rice.

Scream- The masked villain in Scream, wouldn't make a deshi 6 year old scream, even if he carried a dozen flavoured ice-cream. Because, face it, that mask was crap. It was the dumbest thing in the world. And what was with that O-shaped mouth? Was it O-shaped? Whatever it was, it was sure stupid. We sell that stuff down at party shops and our masks actually leak blood. If a killer roamed around like that in the mean streets of Dhaka, you know he would get mugged at least 3 times every 30 minutes, because that kind of costume just spells out 'D-O-R-K'. A teenage killer with a mask, big pulse rate changer.

Species- This is a pretty famous franchise and it is supposed to be scary. Except of course it's not and hence the mention on the list. The movies are really about beautiful women who are actually some sort of aliens. The fact that they are so good looking makes them never scary. Trust me on this, we would love to be pursued by one those beauties any given time of the year. And hey, deshi boys love ogling ladies and foreign female killing machines must top the list. Species is to us what Count Dracula is to the ladies. Not scary, very tempting.

The Mist- What lies within the mist? Pollution, we would tell you. Now, the monsters in the mist may not be characters per se but they do come close. And they are also not scary. The Mist is not a scary phenomenon for us. No, we are the children of smog and we know that whatever lies within the smog can only be some sort of a harmful chemical substance. Now, being fully aware that harmful chemical substances are a part of our daily diet, it's almost like being scared of litter. Thus, we cannot be scared of such a silly thing. And if you thought those silly faceless monsters could scare us, you probably are one of those rare Bangladeshis who has never applied for a Visa. Faceless powers impede our progress and move slowly in for the kill and yet for that we can wait 72 hours in line, so what the hell can monsters in the fog do to us?

And there you have it. So now you know what you need not be scared of this Halloween. If you have a to be a scary character that actually scares, pick the corny ones like Frankenstein or just carry a tape recorder. Recent Bollywood flicks have proven that we are more scared of sounds than images. Go figure. Happy scaring!

By Osama Rahman

The Youtube cult

At the tender age of 11, I discovered the joys of the Internet. It started off with MSN and Hi5 and the social networking giants of those days, till one day in 2002 I finally discovered the only entertainment website that a human being could ever ask for. I chanced upon a video result on Google for a video on this obscure website called 'Youtube'.
Now, it's not to say that had it not been for that day I would not have discovered Youtube, but who cares. For the rest of the academic term, as my grades plummeted to lower boundaries that teachers didn't believe existed, I was like a kid in a candy shop. This single website had video clips from every movie, music videos from every artist, scenes from every TV show, minutes from every Paris Hilton interview, and even has Sunny Deol. But don't worry, I wasn't so enamoured that my grades didn't pick up… eventually.

So, as homage to the sub-culture that Youtube has created, and the countless small time filmmakers that have made it big because of this free video hosting site, I have listed five very, very, very funny videos. These are not for the squeamish, because you WILL be spending the better half these videos LOL-ing or at the very least, 'EHHE REE' ing. So, without further adieu...

1. Ilias Kanchon Bleeds for Julekha
No repository of funny videos is complete without this inspirational performance by Ilias Kanchon, in what should probably be Firefighting 101 at the Bangladesh Domkol Bahini training camp. After Julekha whips herself with earth shattering drama and nothing-shattering force, she collapses on the ground and catches fire. Ilias Kanchon, who is all tied up in front of her, finds no alternative to put out the fire, so he does what any of us in that exact circumstance probably would have done: He bites off a piece of his epidermis, exposing a lively, jovial vein, that gushes out diluted Meridian sweet chilli sauce and quenches the thirst of the roaring inferno threatening to engulf Julekha. At the end of the ordeal, one can only wonder how much pain could have been avoided had his bladder been up to ISO9001 standards.

2. The Invincible Sunny Deol
If you don't know who Sunny Deol is, he'll be paying you a visit today. He is the biggest, the baddest and the sunglass-wearing-est superhero to ever walk the Southeast Asian plains of India, Bangladesh, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka. He's got more “maasels” than Rajnikanth, a sharper gaze than Superman, and a punch that would level entire armies of Gundas without breaking a sweat. This video is a tribute to that man, nay, that Walking-Atomic-Holocaust. This is basically 8 minutes of watching Sunny D clear baddies from the face of the earth. And in the middle, when you thought you just couldn't watch another baddie being pummelled, he lightens up the mood by breaking into a song. A classic...

3. Bengali Matrix
"A Masterpice -4.75 Stars" - The Vague Newspaper
Okay, maybe there aren't any newspaper reviews depicting the awesomeness of the Bengali Matrix video. But if there were any attempt at digging up the awesome-est videos from the Internet, this video would not be left out. Action, Drama, Compelling Dialogue, this has it all. It's hard to explain what this video is at its core, but its funny. And everybody and their grandmas should watch it.

4. Where is Matt
This is a change from our usual funny pace. This is an inspirational video from a 32-year-old software developer from Connecticut. He goes around the world and dances with a bunch of people, while the awesomely awesome Palbasha Siddique track 'Praan' (lyrics by none other than Rabindranath) plays in the background. Admittedly it sounds a bit wimpy when I put it like that, but the video really is quite the achievement, and with over 25 million views, there's no reason that somebody as cool as an RS reader should be left out!

5. Benny Lava
My loony Bun is fine Benny Lava! Minor bun engine made Benny Lava!

If translation work were boxing, this video would be the Rocky, Rocky 2, 3 and 4 of that sport. Basically, a take on what Tamil sounds like to a non-Tamil speaking person, this video will make you 'ROFL' every single time you hear it. It has Pravu Deva, it has subtitles, and it has beautiful mountain scenarios being stomped on by excited flash-dance-mobs.

So watch these videos! Just type in the title of the video in Youtube search and it should be the first result. These aren't really the only videos on Youtube, and it would take more than just one issue of RS to give an idea of what Youtube can hold, but its as good a place as any to start. Happy LOL-ing and ROFL-ing!

By Naveed