Anatomy of Rohit Sharma
No Teesta, no Tipaimukh, no Farakka, No Man's Land and now, no ball… Add the catch-out of Mahmudullah right at the boundary, and you have a perfect agenda for the Bangladesh-India boundary talks.
Cricket is a game of luck – depends on the wicket, bowling, batting, the waist line and umpiring, with its occasional cricket equivalent of Diego Maradona's 'Hand of God'.
Thank goodness hospitals don't make decisions the way the no ball call is made during the Bangladesh-India quarter final, otherwise a hip replacement can end up with a knee replacement or Elvis Presley's knee swinging moves can be interpreted as belly dancing…
Anyway, those few inches may still have the only Pakistani umpire left in the IPL.
Ok, my narrative as a subjective Tigers fan and a mere mortal are below the waist – just as were the ball and the decision of the umpires, the latter, also mere mortals. And Mr President of the ICC, calm down – you can do more for the game than being outside of what you call the Indian Cricket Council.
The CEO of ICC refutes: "In the spirit of the game, a 50-50 call goes in favor of the umpires."
Agree, IF it is a 50-50 call. But what has been seen cannot be unseen…
The day begins perfectly with two Tagore written anthems playing one after the other at the MCG. Had England not colonized Australia, the latter would have looked like that day's MCG – all brown. The stands – Bangladeshis on one side, Indians on the other, with no need for the BSF in the middle.
The game starts. Harsha Bhogle shows genuine respect and enthusiasm at the Tigers' roars, though I'm sure that's like smiling during the worst constipation.
And then, the roar is reduced to a meek meeeow with the felines having lost the privilege to a review against a no ball. Below the waist seems to spell disaster for Rubel, on or off the field. It is a waste, or rather, a waist of a wicket…Rohit Sharma gets his lifeline from Who Wants to be a Millionaire (yeah, I wonder who) after which he is on MSG at the MCG. India crosses 300 on Bangladesh's 300th ODI.
To win, the Tigers need a rifle, to be precise, a three-naught-three. But the EQ has already been frazzled.
An umpire is a human, standing there for hours, devoid of emotions or bias. At a fateful moment of the game, he may sneeze, shoot a furtive glance at the stands, have a bug in the eye or be a victim of air drops from seagulls. It's ok. That is why technology is there to help him remain a human. Besides, we're not talking about putting an LED belt or a camera on the batsman's waist, or a ball leaving tracers for a visible trajectory, or even a camera on the ball. We simply ask that a review be migrated from being a privilege to a right, independent of the outcome of the previous one.
Hey, the ICC can even make a few extra bucks by charging the appealing team premium dollars for each appeal for a review. After all, appealing at the appellate court is not free. This is really Howzat-2.0. Come on guys, we're already 14 years beyond 2001: A Space Odyssey…
Too radical? Ok, then why not use the sundial for timing, Morse Code for scoring, pigeons for reporting or have test match world championships resulting in everyone becoming the champion by way of draws. Oh, and by the time the tournament is over, it's time for the next world cup.
Cricket takes its own time that makes the boiling frog syndrome seem like a Ferrari. There is many a heart break before the third umpire is introduced (and we still get bad calls), many a manhood destroyed before the guard is introduced (should be called the guard of honor) and then another 100 years pass before the helmet is introduced, thus showing where the head stands in the food chain after the crotch (and we still have the Phillip Hughes tragedy).
For now, cricket is as is, with fate choosing a billion over 160 million fans (same goes with dollars and sense) to dole out happiness. That's fine – Bangladesh will win the World Cup…in installments.
The writer is an engineer & CEO turned comedian (by choice), the host of NTV's The Naveed Mahbub Show and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. E-mail: [email protected]
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