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    Volume 8 Issue 94 | November 13, 2009 |

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Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I am a 26-year-old woman about to get married. My fiancé, who is 31, and I, met through our families so it's more or less an arranged matter, but we have been talking over the phone regularly for the past few months and also meet every now and then. I have been in two serious relationships in the past and in one of them it also reached a physical level. Though I have told my fiancé that I have had relationships, I haven't told him the details and when he asks about them I pass them off as not very important or serious. He has mentioned a few non-serious girlfriends to me as well but I don't push for details as I'm not keen on revealing my own. I'm not a dishonest person and ideally I would have liked to tell my future life partner about my past. What I'm afraid of is that in case he backs out of the marriage, his family, my family and other people as well may get to know why and this would be quite embarrassing for me. What should I do? Should I tell him everything or should I let the past be?
Skeletons in the Closet

Dear Closet,
Both of you have to be very mature about this. Most importantly, what happened in the past should be totally set aside when you are about to start a new life. Things happen in everyone's lives, often things that we are not always proud of. However, these should not come back and have negative in our present or future life. If your fiancé has agreed to take you as his future partner then he should accept you as you are with all your faults and qualities and so must you. It is not necessary for you to go into details of your previous relationships unless he asks specific questions. In that case, both of you should be honest. Remember, he too has a past, the details of which you don't know. It is better to get on with your life and future, concentrate on all the wonderful things that are in store for you and stop worrying about the past.

Dear Mita,
I am a 31-year-old married woman with a son aged five. My husband and I knew each other for two years before getting married and for those two years, plus the first few years of our marriage, things were fine. Recently, however, my husband has become very busy with work. Before, the business was growing, now it has reached a stage where it needs to be given constant time in order to maintain the place it is at. I also work, but for the time that I'm home, I would like my husband to be with me and my son. But one, he does not have the time, and two, I don't know if he even wants to spend time with us anymore. He is more into his work than he is us, especially me. I'm beginning to fear that he is losing interest in me. What should I do at this point?
Fading Out

Dear Fading,
The problem you are facing is common to many couples, young and old. The truth is, it is almost natural for a marriage to become monotonous and boring over the years. However, it is also true that this is not inevitable. Meaning there are ways to prevent boredom and lack of interest creeping in if the right interventions are made at the right time. With both partners working, it is all the more essential that you find ways to spend time together which is interesting and exciting for the entire family. There can be hundreds of suggestions but first you should know what he likes or dislikes in order of priority. This might be favourite food, movies, holiday, spending time with friends, looking attractive, or even surprising him with a gift. Remember, marriage has to be re-invented again and again. It needs nurturing and constant attention, especially during the mid years when pressure on marriage is most due to factors such as finance, children, profession, etc. He is not losing interest in you, he is just not finding you as interesting as he used to. So go ahead and do something about it.

Dear Mita,
I am a 19-year-old woman. I have a sister three years older than me. We get along well enough but I have a feeling my father is biased towards her. It's not that he gives her more of anything than he does me. He's very fair in that sense. But I have a nagging feeling that he loves her more or has a bigger weakness towards her than he does me. I guess there's nothing I can do to change that. As I said, it's not he doesn't love or care for me. But … I just need to know how to deal with this feeling myself. Please help.

Dear Sib,
It is not often, but only once in a while parents have favourites also. This can hurt if that favourite is not you. However, this should not break your heart. The first born is usually the favourite because parents have spent more time with them. They also have greater expectations from them so in some ways there is a trade off. There are two things you can do. One is to try and do things that will please your father. The other, which might be sensitive, is to ask him if there is anything he desires of you and you are not meeting his expectations. My guess is he will never admit that he loves you less and perhaps he does not, he just has a different way of expressing it.

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