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Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I am 18 years old. I have a childhood friend of the same age who has been my best friend for the past two years. She is very close to me and knows me well. There are no secrets between us and we share things we can't usually share with everyone. Our strong friendship made me fall in love with her. I told her about my feelings last year, but she refused me for several reasons. Though I bothered her in the beginning, later I accepted her rejection. Recently I have noticed she gets jealous if I talk to other girls. A girl proposed to me, I asked her about her opinion as a friend, but she got very upset. These things make me think she loves me too. But I don't think she will admit it and so I haven't approached her about it. So, I don't approach her about the topic. But, as a result we are neither friends nor a couple, and that makes both of us sad. What should I do?
Good Friend

Dear Friend,
The best thing is to have a heart-to-heart discussion on where you both stand. Beating around the bush will not work and will further take you both apart. You have to take the lead in this and ask her frankly if she loves you or not. If she does not admit it then you must tell her that your option is to look for other relationships. What is bothering you must be bothering her also. However, remember that both of you are very young and have plenty of time to decide seriously on such matters.

Dear Mita,
I have been in a serious relationship for the last three years with a guy who is my university classmate. I graduated from a private university this year. I am very career-oriented girl but my boyfriend doesn't like any kind of job. He told me that if I work he will leave me as neither he nor his family like the idea of women working. He himself is working for a private company. I have tried to convince him to allow me to work but he doesn't even try to understand. I know he really loves me and I love him too, but I can't sit idle like this forever. I graduated last December and am still doing nothing. Now I want to do something. But if I start working he will break up with me. He's also very dominating in general, telling me what to do and not do. I'm confused -- is this really love? What should I do? Please help.
Confused

Dear Confused,
I have a very strong opinion about this and that is, you should not continue in a relationship that has no respect for your feelings, ambitions and dreams. This is most unacceptable in this day and age when women, even in our society are reaching ever greater heights in terms of their political, social and economic empowerment. Agreeing to his demands will mean giving up your most fundamental right, which is to decide what you want to do in terms of your career and future. I do not agree that he really loves you because if he did then he would be sensitive to your aspirations and ambitions. I am sorry to say but this will never work. By all means talk to him, tell him you will have to call it off if he does not change his attitude. However, I don't believe he will change his mind.

Dear Mita,
I am 28 years old. I have been married for three years. It was all right to begin with, but in the last year and a half, my husband has become violent. It started with harsh and abusive words, then random slaps, and now he'll just lose his temper at the slightest disagreement and push or even hit me. Sometimes he'll apologise later, sometimes he won't and I just have to accept it. I don't know how to get out of this. I don't want to admit to my family or anyone else that my husband hits me, especially as there's no guarantee that they won't ask me to stay in the marriage and try and make it work. But I don't know where or how else to get help, if it is at all possible. My in-laws and even my parents are beginning to look forward to grandchildren at this point, but neither do I want to bring children into an unhappy and violent marriage, nor do I want yet more factors tying me down to it. What can I do in this situation?
Looking for a Way Out

Dear Looking for way out.
I have just one advice and that is get out of this situation as soon as you can. Please do not remain tied to a violent marriage. It will never get better but can get worse. Having children in this situation will be a disaster so don't even think about it no matter what the pressure. Before you take the ultimate step, talk to a lawyer, a friend or relative and inform your parents. Even if you don't expect them to understand, they have a right to know and you never know, they might give you the same advice. It is important to assess your financial situation and whether you will be able to survive on your own. When you decide to leave is another matter but you have to take this decision and plan accordingly. Remember, once an abuser is always an abuser. It is a matter of power, he has understood that he can abuse you and get away with it. It is up to you to decide how long will you let him believe this.