Straight
Talk
Who
Goes there
Friend
or Foe?
Nadia
Kabir Barb
We just
said our goodbyes to some friends who had come for lunch.
It was a rather relaxing day spent eating and chatting which
in a way seems like a contradiction in itself as they have
four children in addition to our three. So it's not very
often that one can say having seven children running around
the house is relaxing! But luckily, every now and then you
find that you meet people who you just have some feeling
of affinity with and in this case not only are the adults
on the same wavelength but the kids are all of a similar
age and get on exceedingly well together. It's strange how
we tend to meet a countless number of people in our journey
in life and from those we end up staying friends with only
a handful. Some people make friends in childhood and keep
those relationships for a life time. Many of us meet people
in different stages or areas in our life and make a lasting
connection with them. In fact I met a friend of mine in
the unlikeliest of places. As I recall, we were on a flight
from Dhaka to London and happened to sit next to each other
during the flight. We spent the entire 14 hours chatting
away about everything under the sun and barely noticed the
time fly by (pun intended!). Seventeen years later, and
we are still in touch, only these days when we meet, we
have spouses and children in tow and are not 30,000 feet
in the air.
According
to a saying, "A good friend is hard to find, hard to
lose, and impossible to forget..." I have to say I
totally agree, but if we ask any two people how they would
define friendship or what friends mean to them we would
inevitably get an array and diversity of answers. In fact
it is not just difference in perception between different
people, but even the same individual may change his/her
definition depending on what stage in his or her life they
may happen to be at the time. But one thing remains unchanged
and that it is no matter where we are in our life, we do
need friends.
When
I observe my five year daughter, what I see is that friendship
at her age is something that seems to exist on a day to
day basis. One day they could be best friends because they
both like Scooby-Doo and the next day not on speaking terms
maybe due to something as trivial as not sharing the colouring
pencils. But aged five despite the volatility of the nature
of their so called "friendship", one thing that
is visible is how quickly they are willing to forgive and
forget each others transgressions. Something that maybe
we as adults need to take on board. As we move on to the
teenage years, you may recall from your own experience how
complex and sensitive everything appears, even friendship.
This is probably more so for girls than boys. Girls are
more likely to confide in each other and share their hopes,
fears, likes and dislikes with each other. Boys on the other
hand don't seem to feel the need to spill their innermost
feelings to their closest friends. There is the possibility
that when things get tough or they have a problem they may
discuss it with each other but the whole need to bond doesn't
seem to be a priority. When we enter those awkward and confusing
years where we transform from children to adolescents to
young adults, we discover the need for friends not just
as playmates but as confidantes and as our support system
beyond the family perimeter.
It seems
that the younger we are, for example in College or University,
the more willing we are to make the effort to get to know
people and to try and cultivate friendships. Even if initially
you don't get on, you still attempt to make a go of it in
the hope that first impressions may not always be the lasting
ones. On speculation, this may be due to the fact that we
have the time, inclination and willingness to keep trying.
But from personal experience and observations made by friends
and contemporaries, the older you get, the less you feel
the need to constantly make new friends finding it more
comfortable sticking to the tried and tested. It is also
due to the constantly changing dynamics of our lives that
makes it harder to spare the time to invest in new relationships.
Marriage, children, work etc. all take a toll on the way
we interact with other people. Sometimes it is easier to
socialise with people in similar situations or when you
meet new people you either hit it off or you don't and frankly
speaking if you don't then at times it just isn't possible
to invest the time to see if you have anything in common
or not.
The
other day a few of us were discussing how we define friendship
and what we expect from them. The conversation basically
culminated in most of us agreeing that what we look for
in a friend is someone you can talk to, who will accept
you with all your faults but will tell you when you are
at fault. Someone you can spend the good times with but
won't desert you or think twice to help you when you are
at rock bottom. How many times have we heard sayings such
as, "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world
walks out", "Friends in need are friends in deed",
or "I get by with a little help from my friends."(John
Lennon) But however clichéd and trite these sayings
may sound, they really do say it all…
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