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People
Who Should've Won This Year's Nobel Prize
1.
Britney Spears & Eminem: Who, combined, have written
more books than they've read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw: Who has managed to convince millions
of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that
his most high-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight
woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America''s Oil Companies: For a lifetime body of work
proving that oil and water don't mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon: For those 2 consecutive
days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed
each other.
5. Bill Gates: For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans
that their children need a $200 video game system during
a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim: For managing to create 300 magazine
pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared: Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing
hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating
nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no
one.
8. That 300 Pound Guy: Who always manages to jam himself
into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast
flights.
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one
and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because
you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them
so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images
called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them
so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn
you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have
12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the
left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong
to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey
team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people
milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes
and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows,
right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and
then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to
Florida.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them
and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter
implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb
and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge
of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared
for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle
them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical
weapons.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire
and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government
takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone
that they should as well.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire
guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government
takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government
requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented
them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two
cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker
about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets
any milk and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Source:
Jokes.com |