No one seems to realise that the English language, beautiful as it is, is not a prerequisite for success. Victory is not assured just because one is able to converse in English.

Take the Americans, for example. They do not speak English and they seem to be doing all right. George Bush can't put a sentence together, and he's the most powerful man in the world, after Steven Gerrard (captain of Liverpool Football Club).

And Steven Gerrard does not speak English either; he speaks of course, an ancient dialect spoken only in Liverpool.

In fact, we kicked the Americans out of the Empire, because they could not speak English, did not understand cricket, and drank cold beer. Ugh!

Of course they can rejoin as soon as they learn how to play cricket, and let us beat them.

Our governments recognised that English was no longer needed some time ago, and commenced a campaign to drop our language in favour of, well, anything. Nowadays communication in England is via a series of grunts and shakes. It works quite well.

The whole campaign is a huge success. Now as many as one child in five cannot read or write at the age of eleven. Soon all communication via reading and writing will be non existent. This will enable Tony Blair to run the country without any argument!

Smart, eh?